Water, Selfhood, & Chaos

I have let myself fall away from my practice. I probably needed a few days of extra sleep, and I probably need to vary my practice—but I went through a period of relative calm that fell away, and I’ve needed to relax and focus energy.

I have been expending energy on fear & obsessive thoughts—not on what I needed or wanted to do. Too much energy undirected other than towards anxiety and paralysis and more. I need to learn—and remember—to act the way I want to feel or perform or live. Modeling selfhood isn’t just for the world—it is for ourselves.

I also need to re-dedicate my tools. I think it would be beneficial for them & me. I also found a wand-like piece of wood from Saerien’s bones and I blessed and purified it tonight—but I need to turn it into a wand at some point soon.

Otherwise, Odin came up to my right ear as I meditated tonight—and he whispered runes into my head. [laguz][fehu][algiz][tiwaz][ansuz] The tall ones [i.e., runes], primarily, I think. And I saw the Seal of Chaos as if composed of such runes. I’m not sure what this means, yet.

* * *

You can’t grasp water, can’t hold it—not without spilling beyond your grasp. You can inhabit water, dwell within it, submerge in it—you can’t master it with fists or clumsy gestures. The wholeness of the self is the same way. This is the point of the chalice—water can be within a vessel, and you are the vessel for your wholeness—but you can’t grab at yourself and expect to get your wholeness. But you can inhabit. You can inhabit yourself.

The way the light slants through us and into reality is important. Just as you can ask “What fire burns within you?,” you should also ask what light shines through and what shadow you cast within the world. I asked that about _______/The Goddess, but it’s applicable for myself as well.

It—I still need a craft to practice.

* * *

I had a thought the other day while walking—it’s been a shitty day for some reason—it took all I had to get changed and to move and not to just lie there on the floor or in bed, but I got walking—

__—my life in the ___—that immortal, faerie me—it’s like the waiting room, the place between and connecting incarnations. My “Pure One,” as it were. From KT into eternity, generation into reflection, memory. Mabon is ________ is me. There’s more to this—

It’s so easy to forget this—that magical reality, identity. But I suppose that’s the light that shines through the media of me now and into, leaves/casts my shadow into this world. My shadow, my actions, they are a symbol of me, of that immortal identity and faerie pan-reality. The Summerland is an awareness of my—connection to that—quality (not state, not existence, but it does have those as well).

Halthaya is insidious. My stress is a manifestation of it, but there’s more. I note rapidly oscillating moods (almost a sine wave of [sine wave] over the course of minutes, earlier tonight), note that I should do something about it—but I don’t recognize, reflect, confront Halthaya—I just keep oscillating or fretting.

But beyond these manifestations of Halthaya, there’s also something greater. Just as the thoughtforms and petty gods of ideas are out there, there is also a thing of Despair—global warming/climate change helps it, reinforces regular despair but also the kind of fundamentalist responses that leads people to want JC to end the world—to destroy us all and remake the world—and theirs is the despair that engenders the nihilistic giddiness their kind are known for. But it is an old, powerful thing that generates dread and mad ideas and so much Halthaya and psychic turbulence/energy that it, well, feeds it.

It’s easy to see Halthaya as just a veil, a block, and not as an active force—a vampire of belief and possibility and potentiality. It’s like an Old One, one more conceptual and fat and insidious than HPL’s cosmic squids. How do you deal with that?

By going with Marlowe and life, liberty, and resistance—you resist. Cerithon, Tirithon, Enyaluvan.

I rededicated my tools tonight. I need to cut the wand and dedicate that, as well.

I also need to align during the day, maybe even meditate. I have to avoid fearing chaos, change, potentiality. [CHAOS] Because fear is another manifestation of Halthaya, and that will always, I suspect, be my enemy.

* * *

Chaos is not confusion, nor distraction. It is potentiality—confusion constrains, leads to impotentiality. The Arrow of Law [Arrow] isn’t even “Law” so much as Choice, Action—the path we choose from the Chaos we embody and exist within.

[WTAW] [WTAW] These are the WTAW for Heaven Shiner. The Tree is the branching paths, the Secret of the Trees.

Our wholeness encompasses not only our memories, our “actual” experiences, but it includes all our regrets, our missed opportunities, our dreams and fantasies, all our other histories that we keep within ourselves. And we are that and all our connections and ripples—even the long forgotten ones. We encompass the Chaos of ourselves—our potentiality becomes the actuality of eternity and pancosmos. But this realization should not lead to complacency, for that misses the point.

KT needs Chaos and the Arrow of Choice and Action, for while our minds, hearts, and souls may encompass all, our discrete lives do not. And always better to live rather than regret.

I remain “wary” of “Chaos” and “Law,” though, but this attitude limits me, born of misperception and subjection to the “Real.” I think, though, I need to dedicate myself to Chaos, to the Magic, to Chaos Me.

I need to act—action, performance—the way I want. But—I also need to—I should—I want to see, to express what I want. The poor, the desperate, we want very vague, easily gained, but not specific or empowering things. Such an attitude doesn’t help a fae or a mage.

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