Am I worried about being outed? I’ve told _____ and ___, but I suspect they treat the disclosure as a drunken fancy and possibly a veiled joke on my part. That is, not something to take seriously. But I think I want people to think of me as fey—I’d rather I wasn’t discovered, but I’d like to feel free to live as myself.
–the bus today isn’t indicative of this. You were carrying a wet umbrella on a crowded bus, late on the way to work. On a Monday in the rain—that’s not so much this issue.
Now that is an issue, and I think we need to figure out how we want to act (not supposed to act). During my all too brief med’n in elaith-tir, I hugged my reforming demons and M, and I—I feel a bit silly writing about it, but it helps.
“[Crowess]” is a hybrid identity, not a false shell—I don’t think, unless I let it become such, which I know it, or versions of it, have threatened to become or have become—Talk to Dana about this stuff—all identities are hybrids and performative, and while some are glamours or masks, but your baseline—not, not core—it’s like being aware of layers and layers, seeing there’s a deep inner layer (M), suspecting that opens further, and knowing you’re looking inward from somewhere inward but not fully inward (I’ll resist the onion metaphor)—I suspect M opens to fey experiences and identities and touches upon potentialities across the Pure Ones—
–it’s ultimately about living as who provides you greatest liberty; resisting reified, imposed identity & disciplinary force while trying to live truly to & for yourself.
But there’s the real issue for figuring out who you are or want to be or how you want to live—how do you—on your own. That’s probably part of the _______ problem: coming into contact with others, the person who’s most apparently confident or has the most assertive ego that’s nominally compatible with others winds up shaping and framing how and who folks conceive of themselves. The process may be collaborative, but that person or their core group will yield undue influence [probably not intentionally]—while they reinforce and reaffirm whatever hurur folks may have—otherwise, you’re putting on an elf (or whatever) mask that you may think’s a fair approximation, but you(‘re likely to) start thinking that’s you. The whole past life thing becomes very likely a slippery slope of potential hurur (or heavily mediated).
So how does a—should a community work? Those who are veteran or experience should support and encourage folks to explore and be self-reflective and self-critical in recovering themselves, rejecting pop narratives other than as short cuts [to help describe things to others], referents, or analogies. Further, the past should be treated as an important constituent of self-identity, but the emphasis should remain determining how they want to live now and negotiate the demands and challenges of this realm. Otherwise, it degenerated far too much into free-form online RP and not support and reflection.
I imagine the LGBT community has to spend time resisting gender hurur and LGBT self-stereotypes, on an individual level. I expect the hurur are similarly insidious & difficult to resist.
[Dunn] notes we read “tree” as referencing a shared set of “experiences”—our shard experiences of trees.
It feels like the Dream gets closer weekly: like the horizon shifts or even as if my immediate scale shifts here in Haisuith—as if I’m beginning to be huge/titanic myself here as I perceive the Dream there (Saiyûnor specifically). Beyond Elethis and the White Mountain, the other mountains to the west are closer, clearer, and everything foreshortens. It’s screwy with scale—
–but projecting there, I can adopt more mundane senses of scale—which makes the other scale issues weird, actually—
Saiyûnor is that Dream or realm where Elethis rises and where these titanic things are. It bridges into and shores against Haisuith, which is a more general term for this realm transfigured by magic and elthil and the Dream—the Near Dream?
Or the Near Dream—between Haisuith and Saiyûnor
->Saiyûnor-> beyond
Real->Haisuith->Near Dream->Saiyûnor
->Near Dream->elsewhere
->Koranith
While Haisuith includes the Near Dream but also is the Real touched with the Dream, perceiving the Real & the Dream that permeates it.
Koranith is a subset of the Dream & Haisuith, the urban Dream, cityscapes, etc. It likes to try to hedge out the non-Koranith aspects, but the Green and so forth are erosive—much like Nature ultimately wins against urban environments.
[Elethis] [WtaW][WtaW][WtaW][WtaW]
Dana and I can look fairly mundane or shadowed or even far more fey and inhuman, nature fae and even “stylized.”
Sometimes, it’s almost like I can understand birds or what the soughing says—almost
–and I can perceive the fringes of the Wyrd, of that edge between Dream and Haisuith
–is it to do with the projecting of WtaW? -> or kinesthesia (or both)
Moore’s “Immateria”
One’s perceptions of self is involved, thus the “soul” work
My goddess is an awesome, brilliant goddess
She has been teaching me, training me, healing me, helping recover me—
[Dunn]’s book has so far been an [Introduction to Linguistics] & basic Lit Crit primer covering things I realized about magic as a MA student.
The nearly full moon does something to the Dream—and Dana likes it—but while I also like it, I’m not sure precisely is going on.