Last night felt awkward & difficult trying to project into the rath, and after a point, I reasserted my Presence and worked to embrace M with Morrigan’s help. I soared into the clouds, and She came as the Raven or Raven Headdressed, pecking into my side even as we embraced. At the edges of the Higher Worlds, I channeled Elethis into me, wove my integration, regeneration, and transformation, and Morrigan flew into my back (there’s a corvid, a crow, in with me, a piece of Her, or Her), black wings emerging (from my back). From here, I moved into a possessory experience as we took Morrigan in—it was ecstatic trancy, strong senses of wings, Presence shifting, convulsions, seizures, and so forth. She and we worked at transforming and shifting, but she also asked, a bit (quite) mockingly, if I was happy possessed (“Maybe I’ll never leave!”), but I kinda was. It was Her, I essentially replied. If she stuck around, well—okay? I also called in Angus, but I think he was content to let Morrigan ride me. This morning, I briefly reflected if it’d been wise, but—well—yes. I’m not going to fret about my relationship with Morrigan-Dana or Angus, especially if I get closer to them or grow more like my two divine, fey parents. That’s what I’ve wanted: to get cold feet or hang ups now—now—as She put it earlier, don’t let anyone in. But it’s Her. And Angus.
I feel like I have either multiple wings, shifting colors of wings, or something—
Goddamnit, heh, I am having a shamanic thinger—I found my sitting on Elethis, looking out and down, wondering what I would do, wanted, should do with all this. Mind you, the question is what do I want to do? I will be [working], and there are opportunities there to change things, to act in the world. And I stride through Haisuith and the world.
I need some good sleep, though.
The Raven is like in my chest (heart chakra—he/she peeks out) but also chilling in elaith-tir and the glade/rath. I do feel—okay, soul “shard” recovery is something the various shamanic texts have talked about, and I think M is one I split off, and Morrigan-Raven has been left with me—that which is Her in me—and it’s like these are coils of elthil joined to me. Elaith-tir is important I’ve been told/intuited, and I think it falls back to the cultivation and health and wholeness of that island of spirit.
I’m going through a Morrigan period; in time, once I’ve caught up for denying and ignoring this aspect of my life, I’ll probably (may) have some Angus time. But Angus would have reinforced the divide had I experienced him like this instead. I suspect further angst and hurur would’ve been the result.
And I accept I’m one fey chilling on Elethis’s branches—not unique (well, unique but not some “Champion” or “Guardian” like folks like ___________ or others have gone on about). Mind you, you’ve got Dana-Morrigan and Angus as your parents, so celebrate that privately. (Mind you, K’s occasionally seemed corvidish to me).
Reading Castaneda’s Art of Dreaming[1]—“the assemblage point” exists just behind the right should, a little back behind you, at least in normal awareness. This is supposedly the seat of awareness in persons, shifting as necessary to altered awareness (pg. 6-7)—now, this puts me in mind of the Riddle of the Shadow and the sense of an observer behind me looking—forming the primary gaze, hell—the sorcerers in the tradition know they can adjust others perceptions by tapping or slapping points on the body “at the height of the shoulder blades” (wing chakra & heart)
Students are brought into the “second attention”[2] and learn or experience complex abstract lessons that they don’t know how to bridge back to “normal awareness.” It occurs to me, or I sense, I’ve had quite a bit like this—that there’re vast swaths of experience and insight and magic and elthil lurking just beyond this moment for me.
(pg. 11-2)
I’ve suspected that something like this had been happening—pan-dimensional existence—I suspect I’ve been pushing to align—to bridge the Dream and here/“me.” Dreams while awake—
Somethings trying to distract me, give me crap to do
Laughing at the universe seems to help
Awareness and exposure to the Higher Worlds has helped catalyze this sense, and Morrigan’s been pushing me in these regards. Although something or someone seemed to be throwing shit at me, trying to rile me up or stress me out, I think part of it may also be my own desire for it and tenseness/paranoia, which paradoxically move me further away.
Relaxing and—not “submission” (okay, maybe submission)—submersion—stillness—sliding—dancing mind—like surfacing or submerging through water—the ego of the moment has to set itself aside, let another awareness in or take the show—accepting that transition—but it’s also awareness, paying—attention. The sorcerer spoke of the desire for “freedom,” and it’s the freedom from concreteness and the “Real.”
The resistance I felt, the presence & so forth, may be my ego quailing and trying to reassert itself, frighten me into stopping & letting it remain in control. The trust and submission to the sorcerer teacher is the same principle—the same setting aside the ego
I think also there’s a sense of trying to see something in particular. I have vague feelings of what is there especially in my notions of memories, and I think that expectation plus what I’m initially imagining—me in my [everyday Crowess] aspect/ideal—gets into a different kind of ego distraction and ego longing for a pre-shamanic notion of self.
Earlier while exercising, after a series of stretches, I think, it occurred to me that I could also just relax, open, and flow the chakras rather than my wings—so I just did it. Some simple exhalation and releasing body tension, but I did it—and my body felt very fey, androgynous, and open.
[1] Yeah, I know, Carlos Castaneda. Here’s the thing—later entries will show me coming across his “reputation,” but there’re still interesting bits in CC. And much of what he writes about comes across in other adaptations in more “serious” traditions. So yes, I know, Castaneda. Don’t feel the need to tell me. I know.
[2] It’s the notion of the “second attention” that keeps me pondering CC. The lucid dreaming stuff works for some folks—at least CC’s head-desking approach to it—but eh, I’ve tried not to worry too much about it.