My dreams were rich last night—the aquarium dream shows that although mean, aggressive weird fish/demons still lurk within, I’m aware of them far more than I was, and whatever I add or do for my self requires vigilance. And I need to reclaim and reform those “fish”—I shouldn’t want to get rid of them, big strange things they are, but I can regenerate them and have them work/live with the other fish.
The spell grammar dream is more a further call to understand, identify, and articulate my desires, specific desires, not vague ones or longings. Full stop, not ellipses or em-dashes.
Last night, I headed into Corunor and was delighted to arrive in the trees, hugging and touching them, and then delighted to talk with my sisters. We went into the woods and chatted, they calling me “the crow dryad”—but by Dana, TREES. I practically wanted to make love to them. And, well, I’ve noted how I’ve grown more comfortable and whole while projecting. V & S seemed indulgent and sympathetic to my deprivation, but I got the sense they aren’t fey like I am, that they are crows and human, but still sisters. I mentioned _________ __________, but they weren’t familiar, for this was ______ and ___ stuff as far as they were concerned.
As I walked, I thought about my desires—I want more than just a [particular position], let alone a romantic relationship—life fucking partner—poetry, magic, wonders. I want to plumb the depths and soar the heights of the Worlds, to find and make beauty, meaning, significance, to grow godlike and fey and act with courage and heroism and explore—no small desires, no small “mortal dreams.” Well, no, big and small—what I desire, what I want—not what others think I should want or desire, to justify their petty banal dreams.
Not brashness nor egotism, but mastery from core strength, wholeness, relaxed confidence.
Thorn offers a good general Presence exercise. She combines it in part with the cycling praxis (it’s a way to maintain the Presence over the course of the day). She suggests med’n and determining “What presence [we] wish to carry in the world? How…[to] carry [us] in all our [parts].” The energies most helpful—what scares us about being seen and not being seen—“How do I want to be in relationship to the world?”
- Breathe into stillness
- Feel the Presence
- Send a breath to the edge and activate it
- Eyes closed, imagine growing brighter & brighter—shift position as this happens to reflect state. Feel the brightness.
- Dim and reverse
- Practice going back and forth until feeling confident with a particular range.
- Determine a level that isn’t overexposed or fake—but don’t hide
- Get into that state
- Align, notice the performative associations of that state
- Adjust in the morning and check in over the course of the day.
She recommends running comfortably bright
Elethis, the Tree, exist in a plane, connecting everywhere within the Tapestry—and growing into new realms & worlds.
Thorn approaches the question of approaching personal divinity or that connection, and I have being a “little god”—but she talks about how that part of the process changes one’s relationship to gods. I’ve often held a filial or at least polite relationship—as fey, as _____—but, well, it sometimes feels more like being mentored these days, and junior partner. (These are often attempts to, I suspect, recruit or draw folks on the Path towards one deity or another.) The Morrigan, though, as mother-lover, as Phantom Queen—with Angus, I feel okay with Them. (“Not subservience” “not a parent to child” or “big scary thing vs. tiny scared thing”—more communion than otherwise.)
“…as lovers, not…codependent jerks and not as slobs who never call”
I wonder if this is what I sensed in part back at Midsummer as bright gods wheeled unseen overhead in Otherworlds—and I said hello and greeted them, rather than hide or cower or act paranoid.
(cf. Morph’s comments re: gods as discarnate vs. us)
(KT vs. not)-> but MI, as well
Thorn admits she stumbled onto the Path, and her practice increased to help support what was happening inside her, and her research showed this was common for folks on this Path. (Although “Work” or “Path,” everyone gets there in a distinct manner, with personal gods and allies.)
Coming to terms for memory, forgiving self and others, freeing that energy to ourselves
Magic requires openness to the Worlds, to others—Thorn frames this in terms of her and gratitude
And Thorn gets to explicitly acknowledge we are the Bridge through our Presence
She recommends “energy exercises that explicitly seek to join spirit and matter, [etc.] can help us to feel what our natural, whole, healthy state is.”->
->I’ve been trying some version, I think, but Thorn goes full geometric Starship of the Imagination. Her notions strike me as interesting, but I feel her directional attributions are idiosyncratic.
There’s a negotiation between self, my discrete self, and connectedness and my integration, myself as part of larger things. I’ve noted I feel resistance to thinking of myself as connected, as part of the larger Worlds (including this one)—there’s a sense of threat to my particular ego, a sense that I shouldn’t have to connect, don’t want to, but I already know that’s suspect. That’s ego feeling threatened. That isolation leads to loneliness, and there may be hubris and arrogance, as well. (There’s a petty, vindictive, arrogance in me. Vanity of mind. [notices a demon] Oh, you’re a different sort, aren’t you, but you’re born of self-loathing still—but distinct. Violent, ranty—you’re impatient, and very, very […]. Red-skinned, grimacing me, with blades—no, this is a vanguard, a result. The demon looks far more _____, a bit Time Lordy and funny collars or urban elf commando. She was in strong symbiotic relationship with Self-Loathing. _______ was showing me it as the big fish in the aquarium, but this—_____—she’s melodramatic, a performer, a monologue, shouting “Curses!” almost Dray-like.[1]
And it’s not moksa or self-annihilation—the particular, discrete I remains very much a part, connected to that wholeness (Thorn’s Limitlessness) but there’s—she doesn’t want to touch, doesn’t think she should have to, that there’s another way. And it’s not about abandoning pride—ShF is very important, linked with truth and reality, but—not pettiness, vindictive, vengeful hubris.
Elethis, trees, soughing, my Wyrd—
“I am here/present—and you are, as well—also present,” She said.
Drawing down the orb of Artron fire, the God Soul, into the Presence, the Body—see her notes in that regard.
[1] Dated CtD reference.