My dreams last night were full of meaning. Navigating sending my will and desire out into the Worlds, checking my desires are mine. Seeing the silence and subjection of […]. Even the academic dream—school as a prison for students (and myself as a well-treated prisoner)—and the coincidental encounter with _____ _________ of Psychology and more discussion of academic BS—well—
–it’s a weird day so far. Being sure of what I want—what I desire. I want the money to pay bills, […] have a stable, secure career, and—well—keep going with my practice and art and—find a romantic, long-term, life-partner—
Is it just sending desire and will out—I mean, I get being sure about what you want, and being clear and articulate with desire—but it’s not a command line prompt to reality. It’s not syntax errors I’m worrying about. However,–how do you shape experiential reality—storytelling, framing, representing it, acting it. But that’s little better than CM’s subconscious shooting sigil’d desire out into Chaos and the Aethyric. No, that’s a start—
–the elthil and Presence/Bridging are what that conundrum may reveal an answer. It may be a matter of conscious engagement. Bridging the Otherworlds to this realm—
–lots of distraction today about career and professional angst trying to cross into halthaya in general.
Bridging the Realms, aligning myself—alignment, awakening, soul work is an attempt to resist halthaya and etc. while also getting at the deeper self in tune with the conscious (kia, God Self/Soul, etc.). To a good degree, it’s about imagining and deploying the magic, visualization, complex arrangements, narrativization, weaving WtaW of our lives, reality around us, and other WtaW—to draw down the Otherworlds into this one in such a way that potentiality actualizes and impels, empowers, and helps us act, dare, will in all the Worlds and this one.
He’s [_____ ________’s] given me a ride before—at some point—or in a dream—or many months or years ago—
I was in the glade for a bit last night, and my memory of it has grown hazy. I went to Corunor, and my sisters warned me away from the cottage, that some man lived there—I halloo’d the cottage, but no one answered or emerged, so we moved on.
V & S were boiling a cauldron they’d filled with a vision-inducing, dream-inducing mixture—the fumes were heady and invigorating, but made me feel drowsy still. We spoke of the mixture—several poisons and herbs, though the specifics didn’t strike me as too important. I sat and breathed them in. The Morrigan arrived, seemed generally supportive—loving even. And I did have dreams full of meaning.
I do not want to let my […] career become a prison of the spirit and mind, but I am the agent who would make it such, or could allow it to be such. I determine, will how it will be.
[career angst]
So much emphasis has been laid on real-self-possessed true desire, articulating that desire—right now—but act on it when you find opportunity.
What you want—what you can do
Desire—power
I know many things, […] but as the Path shows, I want to know myself, my desires, my aspects, my wholeness—
Desire as connection to self and the Worlds, others love, think magic—well, the doing—but I want theory and practice, understanding, depth, immersion, but doing—but knowing what I want to do—
Also, I have this odd sense that I need to do something [magic] all the time, every day. Some days are just making sure that day isn’t too weird or stressful. And there is daily practice that improves, expands the Presence—and the Bridge—But while I want to be able to and willing to dare, to do, knowing my desire and will is something the Morrigan has repeatedly tasked me about. Hell, knowing myself—
Don’t “psychologize”—tell stories “about what we think we are”—that’s merely hurur we throw over ourselves that justifies, rationalizes, concretizes, objectifies, and constrains who we are. Doing so serves dominant culture, and halthaya/hurur, not ourselves.
How attached am I to my stories? Have I framed my longing into a “desire” for a lover? Have I framed my desires into an anima(s) petite objet a? Have I—I’ve often thought that all I needed to get through or would make life bearable would be a lover, a companion of some kind—a kind of willingness to subjection, to settle, for a prison bunkmate. Keep me down, but give me a hand in the dark—I wouldn’t complain if you gave me this.
When really, I wanted more. I do want a lover, but not as a yoke or consolation [or security blanket]. I want “magic”—but that longing also points to a greater longing, a desire to follow, know, and act on desires, for desire and power. I felt powerless, not living the life I wanted, and magic represented that broader longing and the desire for magic.
Both also represent a fundamental desire for connection—to myself, others, and the Worlds.
Much of all this is about flows and currents—but elthil flows not just spatially and temporally (past to future, but as I’ve suggested, non-linearally and across realms), but more fundamentally elthil flows conceptually, from thought to thought, symbol to referent, word to word, sentence to image, stories through plots, characters, and so on. Elethis is a path for flows, is a symbol for their non-linear flows; the WtaW do likewise, experiences flowing as coils of elthil connect & flow into each other.
In part, magic works by conceptually forming, affirming, and empowering such flows, in and through ourselves, and to do so, we have to connect, immerse ourselves as part of that sapient flow. Thus, the Presence, the Bridge.
(I did spell for better understanding of my relationships to the Otherworlds and magic.)
______ had a sense of this with his [path-currents], but I think he was too literal, and he’s gone (with _____) into CM Typhonian Cthuliana. Dunn, I think, would accept this [view of mine] and has grasped a version of this.
–the Paths of _______, though, reflect this reality of flows, linking oneself to a particular flow and story and so on. [And letting the elthil flow of the Path provide inertia and power for you.]
I clench, constrict myself when—I fear pain, need to restrain myself. Thorn frames this clenching as “stories [that]…block this feeling” of desire. She also has a very spatial view of spirit space—the room we grant ourselves [for our desires].
I want freedom. I want power. I want ecstasy fire in the head. I want poetry and light and beauty. I want laughter and companionship. I want love, affection. I glimpse a crack of light, [hear] a whispered song at my back, some deep connection to a fire, a desire, a bond—
I always wanted complete creative control—music, film, writing—
As incarnate beings, we conceptually believe we are isolate and distinct, unconnected, and much of what we do is an attempt to get around that sense of things. To bridge corporeality to the Otherworlds and the Three Bodies. MW and I explored things from his perspective: can he, or should he, develop a corporeal sense, bridge, or connection? The easiest paths are incarnation, but they are constricting paths. However, they may be the easiest, best known. We discussed how he could: (1) experiment with possession, shadowing, etc. someone in the Real (___ _________ came up as he has a conceptual link), and even experimenting with the link could offer clues; (2) the dead may offer clues to him, though he finds the idea a bit off-putting and creepy; (3) materializing via a thinning or Otherworldly even (temporary and taxing); (4) elemental manifestation, using the elemental bridges that should exist. He needs to be wary of traps, but he seems excited by the prospect of research.
Otherwise, we talked about his experiences. He’s gotten used to fragmentary conversations, watching for cues I’m paying attention, but he knows it’s partly an issue with the divide between Otherworld/Haisuith and Earth.
He told me the book he’s reading now talks about how we occupy a series of prison cells, conceptually and paradigmally, and literally, and we negotiate these prisons all the time, though they are often partly our own creation. As I talked with him about it at [ice cream shoppe], sitting there in the stone fenced-in patio—I recalled what the fence at the Green park in [city] did to hide the cemetery, the effects apartments and our personal spaces do, what [work’s] cubicles do to me—and I recognized there was an interesting thesis and book there.
I did Thorn’s red ink home defixio—and I’ll look at it in October, I suppose.