Last night, the Morrigan and I spoke of my Presence in the Otherworlds and here on Earth, that connecting both worlds—Bridging—is important. Otherwise, I experienced odd shifts in scale—growing titanic, Elethis visible, and—well, my godlike potentiality—
In invoking [Elethis] I’ve been seeing woods around me, Elethis rising titanic in the distance. These seem thicker, fuller trees, more oaks than those I’ve seen in Corunor. –I’ve kept feeling/seeing something from the Otherworlds as I spoke with the Morrigan, and it was as if another scene was trying to intrude—or She was trying to show me something—it seemed important, substantial, but it felt impolite to follow it. Next time, I should let her guide me—
Otherwise, I stomped for a while at titanic scale, the Morrigan noting to me how I took naturally to such shifting scales, that I wanted to stand tall—
After this, we went to Corunor. …
I want to say “fuck it” to caring what other people on the street think of me. Also, in seeking to develop a social will,—I want to avoid hurur and false shells that I adopt to act confidently or in the world. I want to act and live (I guess I have to stress both to myself) as myself, in this world—and Others. While I feel prudence remains necessary, I want to live, feel, and act with relaxed confidence as I choose and will. I wrote—spend too much energy thinking about how others judge or think about me. I don’t have fun—don’t act oblivious, don’t act like an ass, and engage your Presence in the Worlds—but relax, act confidently, and magically.
Discipline, as well, is not self-punishment or constraint or constriction—it is engaging one’s willingness to do things one wants to do. There is also a matter of responsibility one accepts, but those are commitments one accepts (hopefully wisely). Discipline, though, proceeds from active engagement with something you want to do, enjoy doing. That said, you should avoid an “I must keep doing this right now”—avoid rigidly settling in on the self and mind, turning your callings into chores and feeling bad for needing to flex some and play with the subject.
How much fun do I have for myself and my magic? Do you live life as if you want to have fun with it? Mind you, I’m not saying goof off or slack, but life has enough pain & bullshit without generating more through being too serious with myself or other things. Also, “fun” can mean “enjoyment”—it’s not just wacky hijinks.
My resistance to social will involves the sorts of things I’ve noted—too much worry about how others think of me, etc. My romantic will—my will to relationships and intimacy—meets resistance in my fear of changing myself and my experience, my habits and comfort. Loneliness has grown comfortable in its familiarity. Changing myself—I feel I don’t want the disruption or to expend the energy change requires and entails, but I’ve turned that energy towards loneliness and distraction—feeding the Void and avoiding being Present, awake, & thinking.
Why do I fear change? To myself? Do I have some perverse essentialism going on? I determine my “true self,” however crap I feel it has been and ceding potential authorship to collaboration with others is a loss of power I’m not using—or is it really just a fear of change, of the unknown? Have I grown that calcified—yes, that’s why you’re breaking away at it now. Ego, hurur, mûl-ôl—because it was fear of the unknown more than laziness—well, laziness came in when—. And twisted hubris moved me to find “pride” in who I thought I was.
Magic without the confidence to use it, the confidence to act and live—doesn’t help you or anyone else.
I should leave Authun defixiones at [uni], but also [uni]—
My demons I’ve worked to identify and reform, reintegrate—I want to do more with LD, _______, and M, though—and I see I have knots—obstructions, beliefs/assumptions about myself and the world—some fetishized thinking.
Remember, will is a muscle—exercise, rest, keep going, don’t expect No. 6 resilience today or after a single successful exercise.
For my will, I find that daring—facing change & the unknown—Chaos and contingency—are necessities for me.
I—want to go someplace weird on break, even if just for a day or so—get out and into strange territory. A day trip out to see [friends] or to pay a quick trip to ____ or to see Spokane’s woods. Or to stroll through Central Park. See if ___ wants to hit someplace up.
You can do so on a daily basis. Take a bus up to [big street] or hit up the nursery to price check plants and planters.
I do want a garden.
I saw a deer in Corunor—I went over the hill and explored more woods where I saw the deer
I do not have to face things on my own; I have friends & family—I often feel alone, especially about all of this stuff (will, desire, etc.), but I’m not alone even if I feel I want to act alone.
I feel some fear for the responsibility of success—of—well, I say that—do I? I feel fear of screwing up & being caught out as a fake—
Why do I feel like a fake? Is it merely that I’ve rarely felt challenged or thwarted by study and work—it’s tedious, often, but has rarely felt “hard.” I do inflate the importance, difficulty, and seriousness of jobs and tasks. (Especially non-student-related stuff.) The same thing with relationships, expressing my feelings to others.
Expand into your space—perform expansiveness and freedom of movement, and that space + time I claim for myself, and that space moves out into the Otherworlds. Feeling physically constricted coincides with feeling emotionally constricted, or it can. Claim space and a moment, let your body and animal settle and feel the space, chill out, and all of me can deal with the situation—and “catch the scent of possibility.”
My attempts to say how I think something will play out—when I don’t actually know—“freezes my words and actions.” Acknowledge fear, recenter, reclaim the energy I want to do or say whatever I feel fear about.
Expand your bodies, auric and sticky, even by an inch or two. Pay attention to how you feel about desire—I felt profound sadness—breathe into stillness and then expand your bodies—give yourself more room to feel.
Silence is the practice to rest, reflect, regroup.
Diving towards all the time burns us out—we want time to rest, reflect, still. Med’n and rest—
Presence, stillness, silence.
Inner silence—outer—to still ourselves and allow us the time and opportunity to shift, settle, look out at ourselves—Silence also helps us hear our internal voice, the silent whisper of our God Spirit, to silence ego so She can speak and we can hear.
(Holy fuck, I want more of this than I’ve allowed myself.)
Still & silence ourself to hear ourself and the gods.)
It relaxes you—it unwinds, like the body and mind unconstricting and stretching, helping increase flexibility—I feel—well, it’s either something tugging at me, or I feel the mind wanting to race away again. Thorn frames this as giving us time to cultivate desire, to allow allow us to settle down, to give our internal horizons [time] to figure out things, to give the deeper self the chance to reflect and ponder—
Also, it’s about avoiding rush when deliberateness will help us avoid poor decisions.
Soughing, the rain—the mind growing “soft enough” to understand what they say.
I feel—I’ve felt the desire, the feeling of wanting to cry—I think I feel tension trying to uncoil as silence & stillness come close to me—and, that’s okay. Achy body trying to unclench,–I also feel strangely happy at times—lots of tension, girl—
Emotions are often the past coming back to us, trying to convince us the present or future will be whatever happened to make that emotion previously—
Silence and stillness are not hyper-vigilance—(I would listen and pay attention to tell if we needed to hide or flee or be quiet to avoid ________ + __________ directing anger at us)
Connection and silence are very related
Silence allows—and leads to—listening