Hardening, Softening, Desire, Anger

K and I looked through he Otherworld through [Elethis] last night—the woods seemed fractal at times, as if I were looking at the same tree & ground around it, with Elethis in the distance. At others, I could pause and try to see more detail, acclimate to the world much as Dunn suggests. Bruce Lee’s water teaching was on K’s mind to me this morning in advising me to soften. I feel the Monday blues and anxiousness about Wednesday & asking ____ to get me there and prepping and getting Weds off—and so on.

Do not harden in approaching this interview. As you & K addressed earlier, you can feel the uncertainty of the looming changes in your life—schedules, job, money, time, etc. You worry about getting overwhelmed, about halthaya distracting you from magic and the Otherworlds—itself a curious form of halthaya, with halthaya representing magic as so fragile and ephemeral that—wow—but we are the ones who talk ourselves out of magic, wonder, and more. Who distract ourselves.

But approach the future and potentiality with confidence, soft and relaxed.

I can see how much of Wicca, Feri, etc. are needed counterbalances against patriarchy & misogyny & so on. Self-possession for women has to confront those forces that diminish & degrade them. I’d venture that the female-centric paradigm is a useful gateway to self-possession. The SG and _____ are ultimately pan-gendered (all potentials and none), but the exaltation of female should go with a similar exaltation of male—and a rejection of the binary and spectrum even. The negative traits of both should be rejected—and the traits of genders should be uncoupled from psych & social behaviors: passivity, virility, strength, reason, nurturing, etc.

Feri addresses “mana,” the “Blue Fire”—a bit Storm and Octarine—

The Green

The Octarine—Blue Fire

Shining clear & bright

Feri claims their initiation comes not through the shamanic death experience—crows tearing me apart, for instance—but in identifying “with the SG and Her creative principle”—an interesting idea, and deG has people do this without telling them she’s doing it. –and to be fair, the Morrigan gave me what I wanted/expected and may have needed while calling me home. I’ve been gravitating to Feri, have seen/glimpsed the SG and myself as Her, but also communion with Elethis—

I think I’d like to more fully do so—identify, commune with the SG and—hell, my own female divinity.

Fear “create[s] a barrier to your Ori”—God Soul—obscuring self-possession and art. “Art as magic is an intervention in reality with the aid of symbols.”—

I keep looking at Elethis and my own life as—and interconnectedness, and I imagine how CC would see Elethis as some “inorganic being” and HPL’s fear of taint, miscegenation, and contamination and threatened male power—but really, it’s the threat to the stable, Western, isolate, male ego & identity—and disrupting that identity as apocalyptic and obliviating. It’s fear of the body—one’s own body—and of that body having to deal with others. Interconnectedness of any kind.

I feel tight and wound, short of breath—anxious, energetic, undirected—I’m spending energy into my body—so I should use it, direct it to my will. So I spell to immerse myself in the Otherworlds, to experience them more fully, to change to live …in my Presence—and to see always with shadowed gaze.

AOS rejects passivity, “relaxing and ‘meditation’.”

But he seems to reject hurur to gain access to self-possession.

However, he remains male and phallogocentric.

AOS and many others go on about the unending variety, and fecundity of our desires, and even my poetry about TTL points to unfettered desire. I’ve given mental lip service, and there’s a desire to explore and actualize my desires—a meta-desire—but I remain ashamed of many desires, especially the corporeal ones, and guilty about pursuing/having desire. We commodify desire as something absurdly squalid or absurdly dear. We constrain desire for fear of seeming greedy, different, or ungrateful for the shit life we have. We become misers of our desires or puritanical. Privation and limitation and subjection become our watchwords, especially amongst the poor.

“We become like our desires; whether we desire like a God, a man, a beast, or an abortion, we become akin.”—AOS


On my walk, K & I discussed my loss of control at work—no meltdowns or obvious problems, but I was definitely letting it get to me. Fear, anxiety, temper, and rage—my fear & anxiety are losses of control & subjection to the outside, and that fear pivots to anger, which is also subjection & loss of control. Fear to anger—fearful anger is subjection masking as power & virility, and male culture represents it that way while making fear feminine. Anger that leads to will—determination & will—though.

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