Dream, Simultaneous Lives, Madness

[My dreams last night were] something like that –vividness that the Morrigan pointed me to last night in the Otherworlds, as I stood on the root in Saiyûnor, Elethis towering over me while I stood small like—a tiny faerie. But it was the sky She pointed me towards, to pay attention to. The blue with clouds and dark with night. In the glade, it has often been twilight or pre-dawn. But the day-night cycle cycled as we looked. There’s something to the skies and the HW—it’s been on my minds, for I grow more concerned that I’m living many lives, lives [right now that] I want to connect and to integrate. And the sky is partly what set me down these paths when I started looking towards sky and the tree tops, not so much the street.

At one point on the root, I told Her that I wanted to know all the Worlds, even the ones below, under the roots in the hollows—in the LW. I felt some reluctance to do so, but I throw myself in—because I do want to know, to travel, to dare.

Stillness, softening—I can see how She may want me to acclimate and see—She did, has often focused the shadowed gaze on me, in me. And—while I’ve worried about trancing over doing, which is still a concern, there is something to be said for improving one’s ability to see,—one’s willingness to see. Halthaya leads up, works by convincing us not to see, not to look or remember. So trancing helps, or can, carry over, but I still want to work on mindfulness and Presence. Bridging. But maybe I want and benefit from time there and here in working to Bridge.

I wanted to remain there, which She knew and which isn’t part of Her desires—and may not be good to fixate on. I didn’t want to leave the glade when K and I got back there. But it was one of the more vibrant Otherworldly journeys I’d done.

Last night in my dreams, I felt sure I’d done something with magic in them. I couldn’t really remember anything along those lines when I woke up—but I know I have multiple lives as I go through the day. They tickle at the edges of my awareness when I’m thinking about it, about the Otherworlds, so I feel my awareness and lucidity is getting closer to them, to integration.

I note an underthought of concern for madness, the inability to distinguish—but those thoughts presuppose and frame the experience as madness, as delusion, as this world as real and solid and the Otherworlds as incorporeal and just glamours, and that’s halthaya trying to taint it and drag it into madness. Fear of how it would change me. Not hope and curiosity at what it would reveal about me, the Worlds, this world. That’s this ego and hurur fretting about its stability and safety and, well, laziness. No—as K told me, you have to find that lucidity and awareness and integration via will and desire. I know it’s there. I will to find/embrace it. I want to dare the change and experience, not knowing precisely what it is. And I want to be willing and able to be silent, to soften myself as what my will causes changes me and my world. That softening and silence—our choices and actions change us. You have to embrace and explore and reflect upon that change, otherwise you’re shouting at the wall of reality, but not wanting to touch it.

Softening is the willingness to open and to change and life and to be part of the Worlds.

So, well, I don’t want to go in with ego and hurur—really, by “ego,” we mean hurur trying to protect itself and its view of itself and the reality it tries to inhabit—resisting the experiences. I want to ride the tumult, explore and embrace the larger life, reality, and my self that I discover. Like the Otherworlds, if you go in with fear and suspicion, it will give those to you. If you embrace Chaos and yourself and, well, live there, are of that, those places, then you are at home, are free and find power. Do not calcify, reify thought, belief, self, and reality, for then you skirt entropy.

My day dreams, fantasies, imaginings gesture to the lives I’m experiencing, but not entirely.

The skies and clouds, but also the night sky—I’ve not been out at night much recently, and it was freeing when we were out after the movie earlier.

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