We went walking last night in the dark at the park, and it was good for the most part—cool, breezy, amongst the trees in the dark—it was a kind of exploration none of us have done lately, since we went along Saerien and into the wilder parts of the trail.
I have otherwise been generating far too much stress in my body and mind for myself, clenching muscles, fretting about what I should do for prep and school and exercise and more.
I want to create a late night relaxation practice and have a morning prep and immersion into the day. I feel more relaxed after calling the Guardians and doing my devotional business. And while I haven’t had an issue going to bed of late, I still have more tension and more stress than I want. I think the morning should focus on some initial alignment, affirmation, channeling, and breath/chakraval work. The evening may as well, but calling the Guardians, speaking with them, etc. I want to be more the focus.
Breathing and shining through, which shines me as beansidhe—relaxing and shuffling off the hurur of anxiety and fret. This is something to do—combined with energy/chakra work, and with cycling elthil more consistently and deliberately. I want to set aside time for myself to do so, during the course of the day.
Shining seems distinctive from the shadowed gaze, and—well, I can manage both, but it involves a bit more focus and mindfulness than both on their own. There’s a weird, almost cynical—sardonic—no, there’s an old school cunning/kenning aspect to it. You are looking at things others do not see—you have a secret wisdom and kenning—subtle? Yes, subtle is in the same vein. Shining is immersive and opening oneself, projecting self as well, and the gaze (the Sight!) is penetrating, discerning, but still immersive, or should be.
I should walk the corridors and paths at [uni] and get a subtler sense of there.
At the same time, in pulling the light of the God Soul down during alignment, I have found myself wondering what is behind that light. The crack of light, the “White Room”—which may not be a room so much as a transition, a passage—and my initial attempts to ken as I align is that I am standing in a wood again, some forest in the HW, light shining around me—or I perceive it as a bright, diffuse, pale light.
I think about the halo of light about Jackson’s eldar from Middle Earth. It reminds me of that.
My memory of climbing into the ___ is surprisingly hazy, almost slipping away. It was vague and ill-defined, but I did get there. Or some aspect of the ___, in the branches—though if that counts as the HW or as part of the “upper” MW, I’m not sure. I remember K noting Saiyûnor and the path were still in the MW. All of them may still be “higher” than here, but still MW. I’m not sure.
It remains tempting to view these Worlds, the light, and more as “spiritual” realities, as some kind of Platonic experience—“HW” can reinforce that—but these should not be transcendental experiences but still transformative—and I already exist across multiple aspects of reality already. The point is integration, of self, of the Worlds as I move from one to others, bring my self to Otherworlds. Draw upon my wholeness to have my power, and to travel the Otherworlds—.
I want to cultivate my will and daring.
I feel reasonably well about knowing—or my ability to do so. Willing and daring, confidence and action—that’s always felt far more challenging. And to do so from a relaxed wholeness—not anger and the false confidence of just anger and recklessness—that’s a challenge to address.
I played slow theta wave drums tonight, relaxed—it’s not the best for trancing, per se, but it relaxes and made C close. Me, close. I went to Gli’an’s pool and spent some time bathing.
K says to take the Otherworlds with me, inside me.
There’s a gossamer-thin thread I glimpsed and vaguely recalled—something of the Otherworlds and C and the light that brought me solace, but I do not quite recall it, but I want to.
I want to recall, to see it all.