I went in on the 8th, the night of, and K and I made our way to the Dark Wood and up Elethis. As I made my way up the Root and then the Trunk, I became aware of a wind blowing down and out from the HW and how my wings unfurled from it, and it felt easy, almost tempting, to let go of the Tree and let the winds carry me, but that kept me away from my goal—
—the skies, also, were vibrant blue with clouds, alluring but distant.
—but I climbed and made my way to the branch that led me into the ___, and the winds died away as I found myself in sub-tropical, sub-arctic rainforest—more [Pacific Northwest]—again, like last time, I was in deep woods, away from civilization, and the Morrigan told me to navigate to places I might know: [A]’s domain, [TG], probably not [SC]—also, I should remember, I should call [T, the magic faerie horse I know from the old days][1]. I mean, fuck.
I then returned because I was fading, well, more so, I felt I wanted to sleep. As I did so, I merely stepped back into onto the Branch and leapt into the winds. Glid down into the Dark Wood again.
The winds I also inured myself to via _________—the blade. I recalled Athene’s lesson and advice for me about dealing with Chaos.
My days have been busy and have felt frantic in many cases. But when I’ve not been distracted, I’ve felt the Otherworlds’ closeness, and I’ve felt the nearness, the possibility of calling—well—weird shit into my life. However, I do not want to just call weird shit: I want to do and to feel Otherworldly myself. Actively Otherworldly, not passive and acted upon. And K noted that part of that is my own desire and will for, to magic, and the Otherworlds.
I see into the Otherworlds, when I allow myself to do so. I’ve grown very lax about med’n and all that, though I’m better about aligning of late.
I feel unsure how to call or to draw Otherworldly power, but I’ve been calling and invoking—and last night, as I rited, my stress and tightness were topics of conversation. But once I relaxed enough to look—to see, and to ken—the Otherworlds and C-L L-C were right there, waiting, breathing with me. And I felt, I felt that if I hadn’t been getting in my way, all of it would be more HERE.
HERE vs. THERE. It’s—there’s a trap in this thinking, spatializing magic and the Otherworlds. I always want to get “there” but “there” is always there and never becomes HERE or “here.”
But I also want to confront my own fear of realizing what I want. Disruption. Loneliness. If I left here, I wouldn’t want to come back here. If I could, would I leave? Or would I hedge? Would I question and hesitate at the threshold, and the answer I feel most honest right now is yes. But I do want it, but I hedge. So I want to confront this fear, and the others.
I did med’t, I did—chill, last night. However, I want to actively call ôl-vala and faentaur into myself. I want to live and act magic and bridge into the Otherworlds and have weird shit and wonders that I do and that I experience and encounter. I want to wear a path into the Otherworlds and explore, move on.
[1] Firstly, trying to use acronyms for privacy sake (and shadow names) here. Secondly, I was active in terms of magic and religion back in the late ‘90s, along generally similar lines, but fell out thanks to school, grad school, and some abject poverty, etc. etc. T is a faerie horse I rediscovered back then.