I dreamt last night of split souls and doppelgangers—a Carol Danvers analogue going after the actress that plays her (who was Uma Thurman) in a comic book, and a kind of nano-tech/fiber Ultron spreading into people and growing schizophrenic. I suppose I think of it in terms of the second attention being seen as a thread by the first—the hurur afraid of being undone.
No, not undone, but certainly changed. Transformed. And that fear of transformation must end.
Years ago, I had my sense of being capable of mostly anything, and feeling a presence and attention that seemed to come from all-around, from reality itself, as if waiting for me to do something [so] [the presence] could then smash against me. It felt oppressive, and I felt small, timid, and frightened. Now, I can wonder if there was a real presence and threat of backlash, if my egos and hurur were worried about me changing my world, bringing attention to us, if the Morrigan or Dana were paying attention to me & waiting for me to do it—or if it was just some asshole I sensed. It was in [the urban yuppie town next over], after all—
Mind you, as I think about it now, I realize I’m still not doing it. I mean, I don’t have that sense of being able to do anything, but why don’t I try—and keep trying. Keep doing it until it does. Don’t do violent aggressive acts, but do spectacular acts. Don’t keep trying them constantly, but try to do them as the desire strikes you.
deG asks me to consider how I’ve acted in the past and how that’s blocked or hindered me romantically—I have often been oblivious to the desire of others, and I have also felt fearful of scorn, shame, and rejection—even just growing emotionally intimate has been a problem. I have made many friends, have had desire for many, but they were already in committed relationships.
I imagine how Thorn feels about herself, or Morpheus, or others—the quiet, confident sexuality that’s less sex[1] than self-possessed but also self-loving, self-confident, okay with who they are and living as them. (Not that I’ve met either of them. And [they have suggested] they’ve both had their own background issues, that they also probably work to deal with.) (But I can imagine how I’d want to feel and act[, and they kinda serve as models to aspire towards].)
I think I’ll try something for self-love and cleansing and healing those—wounds.
Phonogram: The Singles Club pointed me to some of this—
Of course, the second attention, self-love, self-possession, faerie, all of these connect together. Part of BM’s lesson has been to see my own connections within and without. I have often been cloistered, and I told myself that was who I was, even as I railed against it for ages.
I did a version of deG’s cleansing ritual after calling to the Morrigan, Dana, and C as triple goddess—it made sense, and they accepted what I chose to do in doing so. I thought of Corunor and my sisters there. I floated upon the second attention, letting myself breathe in peace before the raven from my chest flew out, introduced himself as Y [WtaW] (?), […]—who shall act as a guide, for K grows awkwardly huge.
Which means I should get that raven figurine—
C the Raven Childe
[1] Yeah, Anderson Feri Tradition puts Sex at the top of the Pentacles.
Image: Common Raven by Juan Lacruz