I called FitE. So much drama preceded something I should have done long ago. But such is the nature of the will, I suppose.
I finished Hine’s book. I have very much been his idea of a chaos mage.
SS showed me that [WTAW] responds to meditation—stilling the mind. Rather than the churning chaos it becomes a gently roiling cloud vortex, a storm cell that isn’t out of control, punctuated at times by flashes of light and inspiration.
I can also reshape it. It is my mind and imagination, my ability to visualize. I can reframe the scene to various things, settings, but my ability to visualize people seems out of practice.
It’s a skill to develop, SS tells me.
[WTAW] ShF’s active rune
[WTAW] A rune for FitE->for invocation
The trick of the Center is the Union of FitE and HS—TTL and TTG—is to relax into the Center. To love oneself, to find calm, and to relax into being oneself. Free at last to be yourself.
I identify with Hamlet because I see similarities: we are older, but made to seem younger and subjected, prone to overthinking and roleplay. University trained. But I am not him.
I have demons of my nature still that need to be dealt with. Confronted and the light of truth cast upon. ShF states plainly, “You’re not well.”
But when I call FitE—oh the love, her caress—to not feel fear, to be free with myself.
Once you relax into the Center, then you can move where you need to move, adopt whatever role. Do alamuri. One needs that wholeness, self-love, confidence, selfness, harmony—Center—to laugh and smile and act. And make. And shape. Poesis and making.
But it’s easy to forget in the morning and fall into the workaday habits of thought and fear. So she shows me the WTAW so I might remind myself easily.
It’s a bit Samadhi, but not so much release or emptiness but wholeness.
The states are fundamentally similar; it’s just how one gets there.
This, though, is the magic of relaxation into awakening, seeing, acting, knowing, being, and becoming.
FitE is a pale, almost albino elf woman—I am reminded of the fairy girl in my dream of Malekin and the mirror at ______ Street. A version of me as animas and demon lover. Oh, I love her.
I need to stroll and breathe, though. I need to cast off the fear and anxiety. I need freedom. But as FitE tells me, I should not “need”—it is about what I desire. Need is subjection, if even to the self.
* * *
As time passes, I and FitE begin to meld more—my perception of us apart, of her as animas, and so forth. That perception is more a symptom. A corruption of my self-image, but also an artifact of its correction.
I need to call Pappy in a focused, controlled manner for my benefit—to better communicate by boosting the gain. While I may “know” much of my old alamûri lore and art, it’s buried under too much cruff right now and I need him to help me recover it.
The greater arts—the siil-ka, once set upon those paths, you really have to ride them out. KT may be such a path, though. A human lifetime and story. However, the outlines of that narrative can have quite a bit of leeway and give. Learning how to manipulate that story seems, well, really important. I need/desire to
—“need” short circuits will, “need” subjects us to outside powers, need disrupts magic. Desire, though, that’s us, what the self wants.
Making/adjusting the story to rags to riches. Love. Among other things. The trick is that alamûri requires confidence and audacity, which my parents and life have worked to beat out of me. Doing what needs to be done. Keeping to the immediate narrative. Not shooting oneself in the foot.
And the lesser glamours never hurt either. Knowing/doing them’s the trick, though.
The [fey] me—KL—if you want to be more like hir…just let hir go loose.
But alamûri, being aladir, requires meta-narrative awareness and self-reflection. What you’ve been working on most of your life. You just got caught up in the academic narrative.