I want to guard against mere obsession about my form and hurur relating to imagining that form. Dana-Morrigan has been testing, poking, prodding about this. I’m at a point where aspects of the Dream and Magic are at hand and even overwhelming or a retreat into fantasy. I think I’m also trying to figure out how to live as fey in this world. Obsession is not relaxation, and obsession leads to blindness, delusion, and worse.
She has been close and familiar, and I worry I’m projecting a false goddess of desire, but she’s also, I think, forcing me to confront my romantic and sexual nexus of desire and BS. But part of these thoughts are merely lingering self-worth issues—I know she’s there (and I am there/here) and she’s taken me to task for hedging about many things. Humility is not precision of thought or truth. Not even humility: lack of confidence, deference? Hedging is not precision.
I do not want to sacrifice insight gained for new forms of self-bondage. Have fun, [Crowess]. Embrace magic, joy, wonder, and love—don’t fret about the magic. Play—
I want to improve my perceptions of the Dream and the Worlds in general—my projection senses in general. Partly, I need time to do so. I should make some time during afternoons or something. Sometimes Elethis is clear (maybe not the surroundings in the Dream, though), and sometimes she’s distorted. Her canopy is far fuller than it usually appears to me—I think I note her presence more than appearance, and cloud cover remains damnably occulting (but so can clear skies). I can project on a branch high above the world fairly easily—but Elethis rises above the clouds (and into the “Higher Worlds”).
Also, I want to break my halthaya about how and to what extent magic can accomplish things. If you don’t, you’ll always retard your desires and potentialities.
I whisper too much in my incantations and desires, wary of attracting attention or of disturbing the multiverse or my neighbors. Die Prufrock Die! I have been invoking elements—the influence of Dana-Morrigan, but I’ve been more trying to invoke myself into myself. But I’ve also been “invoking” Elethis & the Dream…
Hine’s notes about possession and invocation are things I’ve read before in different contexts, but it occurs to me that I’ve had this “invocatory” possessory experience myself: [Friend’s] party. Poetry, (elvish) tongues, accent, etc. My inner fey coming through while the ego was inebriated into submission. This means I have who and what I want inside me already: I want to actualize and replace the exterior with the interior self. Discovery of that fey […] spirit: I want to discover, recover, open myself to myself.
It feels like it’d require a relaxation of the outer ego and a kind of mindfulness, of self in body and allowing self “into” the body, or as if he-she were waking up, surfacing into consciousness.
–don’t do this at [work]—
Guided visualizations, little internal astral experiences, climbing the stairs into the White Room, to where he-she hides/has been locked away. Breathing towards us.
I am my own god within me: I am—
Dana-Morrigan has, in part, been trying to lead me to Her—to “M”—and She can lead me to M, help me find or cut through paths in me to M.
M->FitE as intermediary, as well
All these hurur between ego and M— She’s a bit ephemeral Khaleesi, but paler, frailer, or she was in that dream.