Presence, Old Journals, Old Dreams

I don’t walk around much with my full Presence active—I’m too rushing most of the times I’m out (walking to and from work).

The notion of invocatory or possessory work with Dana-Morrigan is appealing, but I’m not sure how feasible it might be (or productive depending on what resulted).

Relaxing into feyness seemed easy while exercising and even trying to chill and move through [grocery]—though I wasn’t maintaining a Presence. So I should try to work on my Presence, develop and project it.

Re-reading old journals shows I’ve had some of these insights at points, as well as sorta wacky hijinks and notions (________’s Guardians etc. etc.), and lots of random sigils I didn’t know what to do with them. However, I’d hazard I’ve read far more and made far more sense of what I’ve read than I had. [Education] prepped me in ways that’ve been useful after the fact for spirit & magic (I get CM, AC, & the GD now).

More significantly, I see what I’ve been writing & exploring—the depth and breadth—including the self-analysis. I knew then—say, [too many years ago]—that self-confidence and doing were important, but I didn’t know what to do. I got caught up in ____ or _________’s random crap and notions. I had body image issues then. A fixation on shaping the body and a sort of blind belief in energy and so on.

When I had my experience with Malekim and basically asked to be made changeling, the dream I had was essentially me, well M, telling me I already was. The face that was like mine but not quite, beautiful but other—and I didn’t want or know how to deal with that, so I hid that—I hid that dream and M away and tried to cleave to the hurur of “[me]”-ness I’d been accumulating. I know ___ kinda sense I was screwing myself, knew I was relationally dysfunctional and needing to do something (…).

The other thing I’ve been seeing I’ve been examining is the nature of my desires and if, how I desire them. Also, I think a lot of my sense of the universe watching may be my own awareness—and my fear of action.

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