I didn’t do much last mostly because I was up too late, and I woke up late today before heading out to lunch. I did walk, and I took my invocations of my parts—AL, KL, etc.—to a slightly different direction today, noting what I gained, wanted from all, each of them.
The clouds and the blue sky were great this afternoon as I could see Elethis gloriously. It’s a humid, mild, not quite warm day today, and I’ve tried to enjoy it when I can.
Tonight, I think I will experiment with my open-eyed, kinesthetic, acting immersion—I’m not sure what to call it. It’s waking trance, after a fashion, and Paxson and others would tell me to keep that sort of activity very regimented and compartmentalized, but that just reinforces dualism and halthaya—
—I do want a better term for it. Dunn acknowledges some of what I’m thinking when he talks about walking out in search of a place to hide—put defixiones into the world(s).
Mind you, this train of thought leads me to doing art more generally—and I might do so over the break—markers and pencils and paper—
I can do it otherwise, but lacking self-consciousness makes it easier—social pressures and distractions and looking like a crazy person—like a Kithain interacting with chimerical reality. Of course, this isn’t wholly a fae issue—any mystic/mage/whatever looking into the Otherworlds has to deal with it. Has to negotiate social pressures, craziness, giftedness—and the social reputations. I suppose this is where having a motley cabal, or other group can help—if you and others act oddly, you just, or are more of a, weird and weirdo friends.
[string of WtaW]
[two inverted/sorta Celnaran]
But I plan to try my waking trance later, and I want to be, to feel free to walk and do so, as well. I’ve had times [at work] recently, in ____________, when I’ve walked tall and proudly—in Presence, comfortable with occupying, taking up my space, and even feeling free and magical.
I find myself wanting to pull down the blue-rainbow faentaur and ôl-vala into myself most often because the Otherworlds feel closest and most clear when I do so, I feel most myself and attentive when I do so, and I feel most—more—lucid, magical, and otherwise. I mean, general aligning also helps and helps anchor me to here and the Otherworlds, in general. Channeling the “light,” to point to Thorn, gets associated with the trippy, airy, New Ager light folks—but I don’t feel more like that per se than more myself, attentive, fey, a bit mischievous, etc. I do admit I find myself wanting it, more of it—and it winds up complementing the sticky and auric bodies—but would it be a bad praxis to just channel more of it, more faentaur and ôl-vala, to imagine myself more fully into reality and the actual?
As I consider, I can see those lives and dreams flitting at the edges of attention, and—gah—I can slide closer—
—so much of this involves matters of subtle shifts in consciousness,—not big whirring clicks of gears but relaxing into worlds and waters. I feel them around me, but I lock them out when I fret or pull too grossly on them. No, I lock and wall myself off—it’s like curling up into a ball—thus softening as a praxis—but that may be how the worlds work as well. This realm is concretized, contracted around stuff, trying to hedge out everything else, other possibilities, other experientialities, Otherworlds—and we’re caught within whatever cyst, contracting ourselves in the face of how experience has been framed, shaped here, and we shape ourselves and each other to fit into this place.
One of my big problems with practice is that it’s easy to turn it into a thing you feel you have to do—a task, duty, or crappy hobby—and it stops feeling right and you try to force yourself to do it, and performance anxiety kicks in. You can’t relax enough to do it—and you try to fall into rote to try to trick your mind and passions when, really, you probably want to just deal with whatever crap you’re emotionally or mentally and then relax, unwind, uncoil, and rest. Unconstrict and soften and reconnect to things.
The rest and nourishment soul and spirit want.
Hekate of the Paths—
Image: More Sky (by me)